A Really Long Week

It has been 116 days since I last wrote a weeknote.
(weeknotes/what.html)

I like weeknotes. You get little slices of people throughout the year. Get to learn a bit about them: what they do, how they write. It's nice.

I meant to be writing weeknotes. I want to! It's hard. But I can do hard things. I think I can, anyway. I am learning to do hard things.

Here's what has happened, roughly, in the last 116 days:

I bought a guitar from a garage sale for $75 in what I describe as an "unhinged moment". I like the guitar, it is fun! I have not practiced very much recently but promise to get back to it. Sometime before the end of the year I will post a little audio clip of me plucking out a tune.

I started having heart issues, maybe. Well, I had those more than 116 days ago, but only just. Since then I have started taking a beta blocker, been to the emergency room a few more times, and been anxious almost the entire time. It's not very fun, but a lot of dangerous things have been ruled out so it is likely I am fine.

I switched to estradiol valerate injections from the sublingual tablets. I feel overall more mentally stable. It's a lot harder to miss an injection than a twice-a-day tablet. This is really good for me; we love this.

Cohost shut down. It went read only 73 days after I wrote my last weeknote. It was very nice being there and I will miss it. I am slowly reposting things I put there, a selection of them, to /cohost. I am trying to do it carefully and with purpose, as I care about these things.

I've been working on an old project called NailyDumber back then (daily number, first letter swapped), but just called numbers now. It's a little betting/gambling game with not-real money, of course, called beans. I am conflicted as I do not like gambling, but I wanted to make it nonetheless. It will hopefully be fun to play. I will try to get it running by the end of the year, but I am not very good at deadlines.

I feel like I am good at programming again when I work on this in a way I have not in awhile. Perhaps it's the rapid progress or perhaps I have shed some imposter syndrome since I last did any large programming things, which was many months ago now.

I got a quilt a few days ago. Nothing fancy, just a thing from the supermarket, but it is a nice autumn orange and it is warm and I like to lay under it.

A friend invited me to a friendsgiving at the end of November and it's so cute I might cry. I am disused to knowing people in the physical world and I am very excited. He just got a new dog and I am so, so excited to pet the good boy.

It's fall. A few days ago I woke up well. It was nice. I walked outside and the air was pleasantly cool. It was bright and I was smiling. I went and got coffee where my sister works, decaf because caffeine gives me palpitations now I guess, and I came home and cracked my window open and worked on numbers. I had a good time; I enjoyed it. But I think it would've been nice to walk around a little more.

I am slightly afraid of where I live now. Not for any good reason, I think, or any reason really at all. Nothing has happened to make me uneasy. It's more or less just how I am. I will get over this and I will start walking again.

On November 5th I wrote this in my notebook:

I want to be genuine in the face of the world—confident and happy and beautiful and real.

Thank you for reading; I love you. I hope you love yourself.